My Mince Pie Odyssey

Undoubtedly, many of you reading this have also seen the comprehensive mincemeat pie reviews written by Kelvin Green over at his Brainsplurge blog.  If not, you should give them a look.  They've been...inspirational...as you'll see if you keep reading (no hard feelings if you don't).

See, I'm an uncultured Yank who's maybe had mince pie like once in my life, decades ago when my grandmother in Florida made one.  I remember (1) not understanding why there would be meat in a dessert, (2) not understanding why it didn't actually have meat in it, and (3) not understanding why it was this weird fruit and spice concoction instead of a sugar-soaked treat like proper desserts.

But I'll be darned, those mince pies that Kelvin displays look delicious.  He slices/bites (maybe both) and seemingly squeezes each one for a photo, so you can practically taste the filling just looking at it.  At least, if you know what mince pies taste like, you can probably practically taste it.  I don't have a very solid memory of it, but I definitely craved what my mind filled into that blank flavor.  So, I decided I needed to seek some out this year.

Okay, TRIGGER WARNING:  For the rest of this post to make sense, I have to inform you that I am vegan.  I hesitate to do so because the first thing many people want to do when they find out someone else is vegan is insist that no vegans ever quit talking about being vegan.  And if you're like me and Laura, who eat this way around family members who don't identify with any goal of veganism in the first place, you definitely know that we aren't the ones who won't quit talking about it.  So that whole trope is...annoying.  At best.  But I'll quit talking about that now.

With that bit of info on the table...well, as you are probably guessing right now, it poses a little obstacle for my mince pie quest.  I had high hopes of finding prepackaged vegan mince pies that look as mincemeaty and delicious as the ones Kelvin highlights.  And maybe if I were in the UK, where such pies, in a wide range of quality, are apparently a holiday staple, the case would be different...especially since cheap pastries often end up being accidentally vegan.  For the ones I could access, though...no such luck.  The mince pies, my oh my do they thirst for butter.

So, it would come to assembling my own.  I say "assembling," because this didn't seem like the challenge to put my meager cooking skills to the test this holiday season.  There has to be a way, eh?

I started with some mincemeat with verified ingredients:

Before tasting it, I had no idea if this is a quality brand or not.  And after tasting it, I still have no idea if it's a quality brand.  I think I like it, though.

The crusts were a little tougher to pull off.  I finally found some fillable pie shells intended for sweet or savory, then filled them with mincemeat and baked at 350 for half an hour to see what came out.

These crusts are pretty thin and crispy, especially after baking.  I know from this review that these can both be marks against them.  At least I know they aren't too sweet.

Oh!  And really, these are pretty tiny.  To give an idea of scale, here's my old character Ezra happening upon one...

The verdict?  Well, if you've read this far, I should probably apologize because I don't think there's much payoff to this little adventure.  I do appreciate the faith you had in me.  If it makes you feel any better, I've written all of this before realizing that I don't have anything especially worthwhile to tie it all together.  So...I guess I just wanted to share my little mince pie odyssey with others.  Thank you for indulging me.  And happy holidays!

Y'know what?  I'll give it a rating.  Using Kelvin's system, these are a 2 out of 5.  I mean, I'll still make and eat more of them, but those pictures on Kelvin's blog...well, I know there's more to mince pie than this, probably at least 3 out of 5 more.  I just have to figure out how to get my pinko vegan mitts on them.

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Now, maybe the best part of the journey is that it gave me an excuse to write this up...somehow, btw, not even the first pie elemental I've statted up on this blog...

Mince Pie Elemental

Scale: --

Handling Difficulty: 15

35 HP, 8 Defense (large size)

Strength 7

Dexterity 1

Knowledge 1

Presence 3

Skills: Religious Dietary Law +3

Attacks: Pseudopod-Like Appendage (melee, +7, 1d6 bludgeoning damage) and Mincemeat Missile (range 30 ft., +1, 1d6 bludgeoning damage + roll 1d6 on table to find the missile and effect)

1-2  Currant - target saves vs. DEX 10 or loses next action

3-4  Date - additional 1d6 bludgeoning damage

5  Orange Peel - additional 1d6 acid damage and target smells like citrus for next 2d6 days

6  Mutton Shred - target has a 1 in 6 chance of realizing they have Salmonella infection within 24 hours

Mince pie elementals appear most commonly during the winter holiday season.  They are mysterious creatures, going about their existence silently, bringing joy to many and religious anxiety to others.  The "personality" of mince pie elementals has been variously described as sweet, spicy, and a little bit savory.  That last one is especially strange because what tf does that really mean when you're talking about a personality?

While lacking arms, mince pie elementals are capable of attacking via pseuodopod-like extensions of their mincemeat guts, and by forcefully expelling components of their body at perceived enemies.

The first/new look of Monstrous Matters

I'm too stoked about this piece of art to sit on it anymore!  Just had to share...

One of my innumerable ongoing nerd projects is to finally put together the bits and pieces I've gathered to play a campaign based upon the paranormal research and protection organization known as Monstrous Matters, whose members investigate the intrusion of extraplanar creatures upon our world.  It's sort of my take on Ghostbusters meets D&D...maybe my own version of a fantasy heartbreaker...and I'm hoping to have a rules-lite yet suitably evocative document to share with the world by...well, I guess I should just say the end of the year at this point, since I move so slowly on everything hobby-related.

I knew that the incomparable Kelvin Green would have some excellent ideas for representing this type of adventure in a single picture, so I hit him up for it, and he did not disappoint.  Quite the opposite, actually...I kind of can't believe how much I enjoy looking over the details he put into this piece!  Without further ado, here is the first official image for Monstrous Matters, the organization:

I'm probably gonna have to make some version of this into a header for the blog eventually.  Until then, I'll keep fighting through my gamer ADHD* to chip away at the game, while undoubtedly getting distracted by a variety of similarly inconsequential projects along the way...!

(Thanks Kelvin!!)

* FWIW, I'm not ashamed to mention that I have received this actual diagnosis...not "gamer ADHD," that would be weird...but regular old ADHD.  I say this not to brag (ha!) but to make sure it doesn't look like I'm taking a legitimate hindrance on others' lives and turning it into a joke.  For some reason, people seem really comfortable making jokes about having some of these alphabet soup disorders -- ADHD, OCD, PTSD, probably more -- and while I threw in a flippant mention of one of them, I figured:  Why not pull the mood down a bit by making something into a more serious issue than it has to be?  But hey, that's probably just the OCD at work, eh?

Agents of the CROwN

This is an article that originally ran in the OSR fanzine Fight On! back in 2014.  As my mind has lately been meandering around a campaign set up like this -- and I've learned I'm not the only one interested in this style of adventure -- I wanted to post it here to get it out in the wild again.  Thanks to the inimitable Kelvin Green for the artwork!  Be sure to check out Fight On!'s stuff for sale HERE and especially Kelvin's still-rocking blog HERE.

The CROwN

On September 23, 1999, NASA lost the Mars Climate Orbiter. In a calculation error that has since become known as the “metric mixup,” the craft approached the red planet from a dangerous angle and disintegrated in seconds.

That's the story we heard, anyway. In fact, that's the story that NASA believed. Until a few months later...on Christmas morning, when technicians lucky enough to work the holiday at Cape Canaveral arrived to find a rather unexpected gift in Hangar AC – the orbiter, in pristine condition. Pristine except for one major alteration: The craft had been gutted of most of its scientific instruments. In their place stood what appeared to be a large, golden music box. The orbiter was carefully transferred to an underground lab, and its reappearance was wiped from NASA records.

It took many months of serious examination before scientists felt it was safe to wind the box. They started the music on the morning of August 21, 2001. Its ethereal harmonies resonated through the hallways of the laboratory as the massive golden cylinder turned...and turned...and turned. It soon became clear that the music box was powered by more than our usual physical laws. What's more, each time the cylinder completed a revolution, when the tune should have repeated itself, new patterns appeared to take the music into entirely new realms.

On May 28, 2006, researchers finally had a breakthrough. The songs were more than music; they were a code. And they told stories. Stories of magical lands filled with creatures from myths, from faery tales, and from nightmares. There were tales of knights and dragons, of war and exploration, of death and treasure. And most importantly, there were stories of outsiders venturing to these lands, and descriptions of how they did this. A few officials immediately organized the Commission for Research on Otherworldly Narratives (the CROwN) and began to recruit their team in secret. Early in the morning on February 19, 2011, the world's very first extraplanar traveler – half-jokingly referred to by CROwN leaders as the world's first “dungeonaut” – prepared to set foot in the realm of the fantastic...

CROwN Agents

Those who adventure for the CROwN perform a variety of jobs on their journeys. While some agents are skilled in multiple areas, there are four key roles that many agents fill: CROwN Soldiers are the combat masters of each group. This is no trivial task, as the use of modern technologies is largely forbidden on missions (in order to avoid unnecessary attention). Soldiers, therefore, must be trained in the use of weapons common in the lands they visit: swords, axes, and the like, along with the occasional black powder firearms. CROwN Spies are experts at subterfuge, helping the adventuring party in tasks such as disabling traps and picking locks and pockets. Spies are typically agile and sneaky, and other members of their teams often debate the level of trust they should be granted.

Many stories told by the music box include characters with the ability to manipulate reality in ways that researchers can only refer to as “magic.” The means of wielding this force is gradually being unraveled by the CROwN, and some agents are trained in these mysterious arts. CROwN Scientists spend hours studying arcane texts and practicing spellcraft in secret labs. As a result, they gain the ability to alter the world around them in a wide variety of ways. CROwN Medics, meanwhile, do not gain the wider perspective of the scientists, but their magic is seen by many as much more practical in nature. Medics often learn spells of healing and of fighting undead nuisances encountered on missions.

Adventuring for the CROwN

Most CROwN missions involve a very specific objective that will add to human knowledge of wonders, advancements, and threats from outside our world. The ease of sticking to the objective varies greatly by mission. Some recent adventures undertaken by CROwN agents include:

• Exploring a dungeon to retrieve a sample of “living metal,” an alloy reported to grow organically and behave much like a plant or colonial animal. Naturally, such a dungeon attracted a sizable population of rust monsters...

• Investigating the twisted grove of a mad druid to search for clues to the origin of the fearsome owlbear.

• Collecting tomes from libraries on various worlds in order to conduct an analysis of multiversal linguistics.

Missions are often quite deadly, especially for new agents.

Standard Issue

Besides the standard and mission-specific adventuring equipment carried by agents, CROwN scientists have developed some items that are now considered standard issue for all adventures:

• Orb of Vision – All agents are issued one of these small crystal globes, which can be carried or worn attached to the uniform. The orb of vision magically illuminates a 30' radius around its wearer. It also records all that the agent encounters, so that adventures can be easily reviewed by CROwN officials upon the return of the orb.

• Planar Scroll – Each agent also receives one of these scrolls, which provides transport back to our world. By reading the scroll's inscription, an agent is quickly warped into our reality. However, the agent must read the scroll while in the exact location where he or she arrived in the fantastic realm. For each 10' in any direction that the agent is located away from this spot when reading from the scroll, there is a 5% chance that the adventurer will be transported to a random world or plane, rather than back to CROwN headquarters.

• Good Green – Agency botanists have managed to cultivate, in limited amounts, a rather remarkable herb encountered on an early mission. Every agent begins travel with one dose of this plant, which has received the simple nickname “good green” for its ability to cure all diseases and curses encountered thus far on adventures, as well as providing 1d6 of healing when eaten.

Infinite Worlds of Wonder Await!

Now is the time to show your loyalty to the CROwN! 

Doxy, Urgent Care Cleric

I'm planning on making a tab up top for a page where I can put info on nerdy stuff I've done that doesn't show up on DriveThruRPG.  Oh wait...what's that you're saying?  Narcissistic?  Why, yes, thank you.

Anyway, here's one of the first things I want to share...Doxy, Urgent Care Cleric and Fight On!.

When I first discovered the OSR, I thought Fight On! magazine was just about the coolest thing going.  Around that time, I had an idea for an RPG-themed comic strip (Doxy, Urgent Care Cleric) and was lucky enough to find an awesome artist (Kelvin Green) to team up with me for contribution to the fanzine.  I had stuff printed in issues 10-14 (although one of the comics was pretty much all Kelvin...can't say I earned that byline at all)...a comic in each, and a short article in the last issue about a science fantasy RPG campaign premise (working as agents of a modern organization known as the CROwN - this also featured awesome artwork from Kelvin, btw).

If you dig old school roleplaying, there's probably a lot you'll like in Fight On!  Although it seems to have faded away around 2015, the magazine's website can still be found here, and its Lulu store is here.  Also, issue #14 didn't seem to make it to the site, but its RPG.net announcement can be found here.

Kelvin has posted a number of Doxy episodes over on his creative works site.  The art and good jokes are his, the lame jokes are mine.

Also, for whatever it's worth, I had no idea of the meaning of the word doxy when I came up with the name.  I actually just liked it because it often gets used as shorthand for the antibiotic doxycycline, and I thought it sounded like a silly name for a cleric.  I guess I was right.