My Mince Pie Odyssey

Undoubtedly, many of you reading this have also seen the comprehensive mincemeat pie reviews written by Kelvin Green over at his Brainsplurge blog.  If not, you should give them a look.  They've been...inspirational...as you'll see if you keep reading (no hard feelings if you don't).

See, I'm an uncultured Yank who's maybe had mince pie like once in my life, decades ago when my grandmother in Florida made one.  I remember (1) not understanding why there would be meat in a dessert, (2) not understanding why it didn't actually have meat in it, and (3) not understanding why it was this weird fruit and spice concoction instead of a sugar-soaked treat like proper desserts.

But I'll be darned, those mince pies that Kelvin displays look delicious.  He slices/bites (maybe both) and seemingly squeezes each one for a photo, so you can practically taste the filling just looking at it.  At least, if you know what mince pies taste like, you can probably practically taste it.  I don't have a very solid memory of it, but I definitely craved what my mind filled into that blank flavor.  So, I decided I needed to seek some out this year.

Okay, TRIGGER WARNING:  For the rest of this post to make sense, I have to inform you that I am vegan.  I hesitate to do so because the first thing many people want to do when they find out someone else is vegan is insist that no vegans ever quit talking about being vegan.  And if you're like me and Laura, who eat this way around family members who don't identify with any goal of veganism in the first place, you definitely know that we aren't the ones who won't quit talking about it.  So that whole trope is...annoying.  At best.  But I'll quit talking about that now.

With that bit of info on the table...well, as you are probably guessing right now, it poses a little obstacle for my mince pie quest.  I had high hopes of finding prepackaged vegan mince pies that look as mincemeaty and delicious as the ones Kelvin highlights.  And maybe if I were in the UK, where such pies, in a wide range of quality, are apparently a holiday staple, the case would be different...especially since cheap pastries often end up being accidentally vegan.  For the ones I could access, though...no such luck.  The mince pies, my oh my do they thirst for butter.

So, it would come to assembling my own.  I say "assembling," because this didn't seem like the challenge to put my meager cooking skills to the test this holiday season.  There has to be a way, eh?

I started with some mincemeat with verified ingredients:

Before tasting it, I had no idea if this is a quality brand or not.  And after tasting it, I still have no idea if it's a quality brand.  I think I like it, though.

The crusts were a little tougher to pull off.  I finally found some fillable pie shells intended for sweet or savory, then filled them with mincemeat and baked at 350 for half an hour to see what came out.

These crusts are pretty thin and crispy, especially after baking.  I know from this review that these can both be marks against them.  At least I know they aren't too sweet.

Oh!  And really, these are pretty tiny.  To give an idea of scale, here's my old character Ezra happening upon one...

The verdict?  Well, if you've read this far, I should probably apologize because I don't think there's much payoff to this little adventure.  I do appreciate the faith you had in me.  If it makes you feel any better, I've written all of this before realizing that I don't have anything especially worthwhile to tie it all together.  So...I guess I just wanted to share my little mince pie odyssey with others.  Thank you for indulging me.  And happy holidays!

Y'know what?  I'll give it a rating.  Using Kelvin's system, these are a 2 out of 5.  I mean, I'll still make and eat more of them, but those pictures on Kelvin's blog...well, I know there's more to mince pie than this, probably at least 3 out of 5 more.  I just have to figure out how to get my pinko vegan mitts on them.

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Now, maybe the best part of the journey is that it gave me an excuse to write this up...somehow, btw, not even the first pie elemental I've statted up on this blog...

Mince Pie Elemental

Scale: --

Handling Difficulty: 15

35 HP, 8 Defense (large size)

Strength 7

Dexterity 1

Knowledge 1

Presence 3

Skills: Religious Dietary Law +3

Attacks: Pseudopod-Like Appendage (melee, +7, 1d6 bludgeoning damage) and Mincemeat Missile (range 30 ft., +1, 1d6 bludgeoning damage + roll 1d6 on table to find the missile and effect)

1-2  Currant - target saves vs. DEX 10 or loses next action

3-4  Date - additional 1d6 bludgeoning damage

5  Orange Peel - additional 1d6 acid damage and target smells like citrus for next 2d6 days

6  Mutton Shred - target has a 1 in 6 chance of realizing they have Salmonella infection within 24 hours

Mince pie elementals appear most commonly during the winter holiday season.  They are mysterious creatures, going about their existence silently, bringing joy to many and religious anxiety to others.  The "personality" of mince pie elementals has been variously described as sweet, spicy, and a little bit savory.  That last one is especially strange because what tf does that really mean when you're talking about a personality?

While lacking arms, mince pie elementals are capable of attacking via pseuodopod-like extensions of their mincemeat guts, and by forcefully expelling components of their body at perceived enemies.