1st-level spell: Commune with S**t

This really isn't the sort of post that I'm super-happy to use to punctuate my blogging flow (or lack thereof), but I am inspired to take part in Barking Alien's RPG Campaign Tour Challenge, starting tomorrow (well...I'll try to catch up at least every other day or so...!), and wanted to get this little bit of trivial content out of my head first.

So...this came up while my group was playing Dungeons & Kittens, which has been amazing so far (thanks Rachel!), and which probably doesn't give much additional meaning to this post other than the fact that I find the contrast between this spell and the theme of that game pretty entertaining.  (Y'know, I should probably just devote a post to D&K sometime soon...it is a blast...)

Anyhow...Father Josh's kitten Bobbin got a magic item that allows him to talk to the mycelia of mushrooms (and maybe other fungi...?), and that somehow led to the idea of conversing with excrement, to which Josh said something like, "How is that not a Mörk Borg scroll already?"  And maybe it is...but here we go anyway...

Photo by Caleb Oquendo

Commune with S**t

1st-level Spell

(Nature spell and/or Sacred scroll)

Casting time: 1 action

Range: Immediate vicinity

Duration: 10 minutes

Save: None

This spell allows the caster to communicate with nearby excrement that has come from any animal, including sapient animals such as humans.  This includes feces expelled in liquid form and substances such as bird droppings that combine solid and liquid elements.  The excrement has knowledge of all actions taken by its host while being processed through the body, although it is usually not capable of explaining anything regarding the broader context of the actions.

In the case of a mixture of excrement from multiple individuals, as with a latrine or septic tank, the magic-user will not be able to separate the targets' voices unless the caster is in physical contact with the stool.

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And yeah, I'm kind of all over the place when it comes to whether or not 'swear words' get censored on here.  Something about having it in the name of the post and the spell felt...I dunno...unnecessarily 'edgy,' I guess.  So fucking sue me, eh?